The Cure begins...

I have ‘Multiple Identity Disorder’. And this post is one of my first symptoms. Who am I? Jemima, of course! But also, a woman, my parents’ daughter, my brother’s sister, a student, an aspiring journalist, an Indian, a Maharashtrian, a proud Puneite….these identities are distinctly different and yet they connect to form a complex web called ‘my life’ . Every role demands that I behave in a particular way. I want to explore each of these identities…the first one being my religion. I am Jewish. The identities are not in any order of preference. And here what being a Jew means to me:

Recently, I read an article by Mike Marqusee called ‘Realities of Israel’ in my favourite-for-now…my idli-dosai paper ‘The Hindu’.

What I really liked in this article was the part where he speaks about his identity as a Jew. After being Jewish for the past 21 years [i.e. all my life], I am beginning to wonder what it really means.

What I find most difficult with this identity is explaining to people which religion I belong to. I think something is seriously wrong with the educated middle-class in Pune. They just don’t know who the Jews are…even if our community has been on Indian soil for several generations now.

Some ignorant ones ask, ‘Jew? WHAT is that?’ When I am in one of my hysterical moods, i.e. when I am being myself, I complain to my parents saying, “How can anyone not know who the Jews are? Didn’t they read about us in their school history on the Second World War?”

The same argument goes on to prick my conscience when I am much calmer. Do I want people to recognise my religion solely on the basis of the horrific tales of the Holocaust that killed more than six million Jews?

Another reference point to help people understand who I am is mentioning ‘Israel’. The Israel- Palestine issue receives considerable focus in the ‘International News’ section of English-language newspapers. Of course, Israel-Palestine comes AFTER we have obsessed enough about the U.S.-Iraq/Afghanistan/ North Korea etc. issues.

Though people find it easier to associate the religion to Israel, I hate the analogy. I am an Indian, not an Israeli. My mother tongue is Marathi. Of course, my convent education has ensured that I know only how to read, write and speak relatively simple Marathi...my parents make fun of my Marathi like I make fun of their English. But, I hate it when people assume that I might have a sense of affinity towards Hebrew/Ivrit. Absolutely not! I would definitely like to learn the language but only because I love languages, not because I am Jewish.

My reader might wonder why there is a strong desire to dissociate myself from my religion. Honestly speaking, this is where the confusion lies.

The Jewish community in India is very small. We are only 5,000 in a population of more than one billion. And every year, the number reduces as Bene Israelis [Indian Jews] emigrate to other countries, especially Israel. There is no clear consensus on where we came from but, a cousin in Israel tells me that there, they believe Indian Jews came from Spain.

As a child and even today, I love Sabbath because the whole family comes together to pray. Of course, distances have separated us but, that Friday evening is sacred to me because I get to spend time with my family. I also love the fresh grape wine and the special food that my mom makes for dinner. As for the religious significance of Sabbath in my life, I am not quite sure. Though I do know the Sabbath prayers by heart and also their general meaning, I don’t feel deeply attached to them. Except of course, when it was time for exams and remembering God was an urgent need. But then, a prayer of any religion and in any language would have reassured me.

I would like for the synagogue to be one of my favourite places in the world. We have two of them in Pune and they are really beautiful, especially the Ohel David Synagogue. Set in red stone, the building transports you to another era of charm and magnificence. But, just the idea of meeting the other Jews from my community there turns me off. Now, don’t get me wrong. There are some nice people there. But, I have always been unable to identify with them or relate to them on any issue. My parents have brought us [my brother and me] up teaching us to be very open-minded. My perception is that the Jews I know in Pune and Mumbai have locked themselves up in their own comfortable circles. They haven’t had the willingness or the courage to step out from their cocoons and get to know people from other communities. Many of them are narrow-minded, living in an atmosphere that existed some thirty years ago. Of course, there are some exceptions and I am glad most of those delightful exceptions are related to me.

There are several incidents involving Indian Jews that have cast doubts on their capacity to be more rational and respectable. So, do I avoid them because I am ashamed of them? Or is it because I am ashamed of myself…my identity? I think the second one is a more likely possibility.

We might be Jewish but, our culture and values come from the Maharashtrian culture. In my state, it is natural to think that a Maharashtrian is necessarily a Hindu. A faulty assumption…I agree…but that’s the way it is. As a people, we might have the Maharashtrian mindset and even Maharashtrian surnames but the Hindu religion doesn’t justify our Marathi identity. Several times, people have questioned how I could be a Marathi girl with a name like ‘Jemima’. And I, in my desire to have a sense of belonging to this state, have argued for my legitimacy as a Maharashtrian. I must confess that at times, I have even let people believe that I am a Hindu just to avoid confrontation and make them think that I am one amongst them.

So, ABCDs i.e. the American-Born Confused Desis are not the only ones to have an identity crisis.

Am I a god-fearing Jew? I am god-fearing alright but, I am not too sure my observance of religious practices is going to make Jewish elders too proud to have me around. I have stopped fasting for Yom Kippur as I think fasting is a hypocritical and useless practice. [I have another post coming up on that]. Do I pray? I believe in the power of a prayer called Shema Israel but, that is because my mom told me it would give me personal strength. So, whenever I recite it, its power lies in my mom’s assurance to me.

I have also begun to believe that humanity is the most important religion. If we can’t learn to be good human beings, no amount of praying and observance of religious rituals can give us a life full of contentment.

One might think that I am on the verge of giving up my religion. No way! That would make life too unchallenging and consequently, boring. I wish to find a way to be at peace with my religion. I have no idea how to go about it and it will probably take my whole life. But, this self-questioning will make the journey worthwhile.